I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I came so hard my ears popped.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
