I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
