It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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