Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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