my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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