note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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