he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
