she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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