Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
