Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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