Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We need a shit load of segways right now
MIDGETS
????
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
