my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
