Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
