My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
The adults are the big ones right?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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