just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Terrible idea I love it
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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