I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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