Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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