you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Randomize
