Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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