guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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