Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
