these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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