We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
