Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
our cab driver is having phone sex.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
