I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You left your underwear on the fireplace
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
