the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i love accidental penises.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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