At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
