You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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