People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
