Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize