she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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