george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize