Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
