woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
