The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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