My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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