i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize