I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
