Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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