so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
