I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
