She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Randomize
