I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
