Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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