the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
