Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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