I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
