Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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