no, he came in my armpit
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
