It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
