She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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