I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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