Your mouth is God's brothel.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize