i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
