i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's never too late to be topless.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
