you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
