She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
