Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I wish there were birth control emojis
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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