My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
