So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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