A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I supernannyed him into submission
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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