I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
