Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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