Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
your like the ambassador to my penis.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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