so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
