I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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