nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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