I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
